Shipwrecked - Chapter 156: Letting Go the Past (MF creampie)

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Chapter 156: Letting Go the Past

I took with me as much of the fresh fruit as I could carry. It needed to be eaten first and there was so much I worried it might spoil. Takino came with me even though he'd just finished the overnight shift on watch, carrying an even heavier bag of fresh goodies. He'd be heading back immediately after dropping off the food.

We talked on the way through the interior, and I learned that he was eager to take part in the education system. He'd had some schooling on Uhonamona, but knew it was inadequate. The young man asked a lot of questions about American history, and it was a salve to my mind to be able to think about something other than the more troubling issues fighting for space. I answered what I could and assured him that Amy and Bailey would certainly be willing to bring him into the classes very soon.

He also asked about my worldview, my religion. I explained that I held no beliefs in any gods and accepted that there were no ghosts, no spirits, and no supernatural explanations for things otherwise unexplained. Takino took that in before telling me that he thought his ancestors could talk to him through natural sources, such as the wind or dreams. I asked why he believed that, and he was honest when he said it was something he hoped was true. His parents were dead, and his father, especially, was very missed. His grandfather and the man's uncle, as well. Takino thought they sometimes offered support and direction, though he admitted he could never be sure if was them. I didn't press him hard, not asking how he might tell the difference between spirits talking to him and him telling himself the same things, but he was genuinely eager to discuss our philosophies and I felt we connected around a general 'be good, do good' humanistic approach to our lives.

The trek took no time given the excellent conversation, and I must admit I felt much better by the time we arrived in the North. We brought the sacks of fruit out to the field where all those in the North were hard at work. I shook Takino's hand and he set back off to the South quickly.

I shared many hugs with old friends and lovers, and even a couple with the newcomers. I knew so little about those who had arrived with Ekoh that it was an odd sensation to be around so many people I didn't know intimately.

I tried to read what might be going on with Hakee, Nina, and Kinnon. All three looked tired, and they were not working next to each other when I'd arrived. I saw no warm looks, no gentle signs of mending fences. None showed obvious antipathy towards the others, but I thought it felt obvious that things had not yet been put firmly in the right direction. Unfortunately, I had no opportunity to talk to any of them to find out more.

Gale called a halt to work and we collectively went back to the North camp. While everyone ate the fruit greedily, I offered a thorough description of what took place with the arrival of the Humble Beginnings. I admit becoming a bit emotional as I described Felicity's testimony, and I left off the personal interactions I'd had with the woman. I did tell, however, about how I'd found Dunston's corpse.

Hakee was the first to press me for details. "Are you saying he strangled himself? That seems... unlikely..."

"I'm not saying that, no."

"So someone else did it?"

"I don't know."

Nina asked, "Shouldn't we find out who did it?"

Before I started to explain, Kinnon jumped in, "It won't matter. He was going to be executed. Whoever did it saved Kal from living with being the one to do it. I can't imagine trying to live with that."

I watched her a moment. Her eyes met mine and I couldn't read her expression.

"But," Hakee replied, "whoever killed him will live with it."

"Clearly," Kinnon countered, "someone felt strongly enough that this man must die that they strangled him. It's not easy to kill someone like that. I've treated people who were strangled and lived. I'm not saying that killing is ever easy, but to do that as they did... They wanted him dead. That will make it easier... somewhat... to not regret it."

"And no one has confessed?" Amu said, the quiet man's voice even and soft.

"No," I replied, "and the Council and I have chosen not to pursue it further. We all want to put this matter behind us. We have too much to deal with. Projects to complete. Newcomers to integrate. Personal situations in need of our support." I intentionally looked at both Hakee and Nina when I said those last words, though I was more directly referring to Felicity and the others from the Humble Beginnings. "Other questions?"

Enumi, the mother of Holly, raised her hand and when I nodded towards her, she said, "I don't feel safe right now. Someone killed a man and we don't know who. What if that person decides to kill my daughter?"

I tried to soften my words. "Take solace in knowing this is not something which has ever occurred here before. And don't forget, Dunston was going to be executed. I had literally just loaded the bullet which was about to be used for the task. This was no random killing. I'm not condoning it, but I'm suggesting we have nothing more to worry about. The deed is done. The person responsible is not killing people out of rage or pleasure. It was done... perhaps... as a mercy for me..."

"Kal," Gale cut in, "I think you're forgetting something. It's not quite correct that no one has killed here before."

There wasn't quite a collective gasp, but the eyes watching me gave me a sense of confusion and concern.

"The man from the boat," I replied. "The first boat. The one which came ashore three years ago, not long after Bailey and I had first come to Phoenix, not long after we'd first met Keekah." I told the story of that awful night, trying to explain how Keekah had saved our lives by smashing the man's head with the fire extinguisher.

"Would you fear me if I'd taken Dunston and walked him down the beach and put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger? I'd be the killer then."

Enumi shook her head slowly. "No, then I would know why you killed. But we don't know when some invisible person strangled him. We don't know."

I glanced around those gathered, seeing a mix of expressions. Fear. Resolve. Curiosity. "I cannot promise anyone that the world is safe. That awful things won't happen. Every one of you has already experienced awful things, some worse than awful. Awful things will happen on Phoenix in the future, just as they will in every place there are people capable of experiencing such events.

"But I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to ensure you are safe from the things we can control. That we will present a vigorous defense against all challengers when forced to do so, that we will take seriously your concerns and work with you to ensure we are doing everything we can to allay them.

"It is in my judgement, and that of the Council, that this matter should not be pursued further. The intentions may be hidden, but we do not need to jump at shadows of ideas on the edge of possibility. The person... or people... who strangled Dunston did the world a favor. Did all of us a favor. Me, possibly more than anyone here right now. I promise you, if I felt it would make you safer, if I thought it was the right path, I would have fought to find out the identity of those responsible. I do not believe that, and that is why, I am saying to you right now, find peace with this. Your daughter is as safe as we can make her, Enumi. Your concerns are not misplaced, but I think you will find that no one will seek to harm Holly. I promise I'll step in the way of anyone who shows the slightest hint of wanting to do so. Please... accept this."

She watched me very carefully, slowly rubbing her daughter's shoulders. "I am uneasy, if I may be honest, but I will accept this. Thank you for listening."

I nodded, out of steam. "Any other questions or concerns?"

When no one else spoke up, Gale said, "I'd like a private word, Kal, with you and Hakee about our progress here. Despite the horrible things which took place in the South, I want to share with you a better view of things here in the North."

- - -

Gale spent the next hour raving about the work being done. The new fields were already being planted thanks to all the new hands. The new buildings in the North looked fantastic. She'd been very impressed with most all the new folks. It had taken a couple of days for some to buy in and show real effort, but Gale had nothing but praise for the way things were going now. Even little four-year old Holly had been helpful throughout.

I'd brought a list of everything we'd taken off the Humble Beginnings so that she could work that into her resource plans. I told her I'd have more of the fresh fruit brought up the next day since it would soon spoil without a way to keep it cool.

When we'd finished, I asked Hakee to walk with me. Gale left us to go back to the new fields, and I took Hakee's hand as we strolled out to where the North ridge overlooked the beaches below.

"If you'd rather not discuss it with me, please say so, but I know you have been hurting lately and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help."

Hakee didn't respond for a couple of minutes. We sat down and let our feet dangle over the edge. "This has been hard," she said. "I didn't expect Nina to fall in love with someone else. Besides you and Kate, of course."

"I don't think she did either."

"No... I know... I just feel like... like I'm losing her, you know? Like... I dunno. It just hurts to think about."

"She doesn't want to lose you... Have you talked since she returned?"

Hakee shrugged. "A little. I mostly don't want to talk to her right now. I'm still mad at her."

"Understandable... And Kinnon?"

Hakee stared out at the horizon. "We have not talked about it. Just about work to be done."

I nodded slowly. "I hate seeing you and Nina apart, Hakee... You love each other so much. Nina's hurting, too. She'd undo it all if she could."

Hakee didn't respond.

"There was a time Kate and I nearly left each other, have I ever told you that?" I asked.

"No..."

"Long ago, when we were first together, before we knew what polyamory meant. We both cheated with other people. She even started to fall in love with the woman she'd been seeing, and I admit I was almost in the same situation with my affair. When it all came out, we initially decided we were obviously not right for each other and we separated a while."

"Then why did you come together again?" Hakee said quietly.

"Because I loved her more than I realized. And she felt the same for me. After a few weeks, we couldn't stay apart. So, we talked and talked and talked. We came to realize that maybe we had the wrong idea of how our relationship would work, of what we needed in terms of love and sex. We decided to no longer lie about it. At first, it was mostly just that we enjoyed sex with other people, sometimes even sharing a lover together. But when we met Nina, it was clear to both of us that it was more than just sex. We fell in love with her, and..." I started to smile.

"And what?"

"And we realized we weren't going to lose each other just because we fell in love with another. It... it wasn't really clear at first. It took some getting used to. But... when it was clear... that we couldn't live without Nina... Hakee, I'm telling you honestly that it made what Kate and I had stronger."

"But that's different," Hakee explained, "you both fell in love with the same person together. Not one of you first."

"That's true. I'm not saying this is the same as what you're going through. I just want you to see that... if you love Nina... really love her... and she loves you just as fiercely, there is no threat to that from anyone else. Nina can still deeply love another. You can as well. The problem, the heart of this, is that it happened without you there. It happened so fast you had no chance to talk about it. No chance to work it out with Nina. And now you're both hurt and angry and upset and the one thing you can do to fix that, you're not doing. You're not talking. Do you want Nina back, Hakee?"

She sat still, looking past me, then said quietly, "Yes."

"Then you have to find a way to put the past behind you. Nina never meant to hurt you, and I'm not denying that she did. But if you want her back... if you really want her again... you have to accept her apology and start talking about what happens next. She loves Kinnon. I suspect she'd easily chose you over her, but that doesn't change her love for the woman. If you want to be with Nina again, you and Nina need to work this out, and you'll need to bring Kinnon into those difficult discussions as well. She is hurting, too, and she feels awful about her part in this. Give her a chance to get to know you, and you, her. Give her a chance to show you she is worthy of Nina's affection."

We sat in silence a long time after I stopped talking.

Hakee rose to her feet and offered me a hand up. When I stood, she hugged me tightly, kissing my lips and then slipping her tongue into my mouth. She said, "Thank you, Kal. I will consider your words."

- - -

I returned South again while I still had light, taking with me a moderate amount of freshly-harvested Spring peas, peppers, and assorted greens. Most of the peas and peppers would be dried to preserve while the greens could be added to most everything, including stews and pan-fried meals. Despite the several hours of travel that day, the trek was not nearly as strenuous as the work I would have been doing, so as the sun dipped moments after I came into camp, I was not feeling like unwinding.

The others had finished dinner and were on to the last chores of the day. They'd reserved a bit of stew for me, so I downed that quickly while I got an update from Tok on the water system upgrades, gave a summary to the Elders about what was happening in the North, and talked to the Council about their discussions with our four newest arrivals.

“Abuella and Ranice are uncertain about their futures. They still have family, as far as they know, and would like to see them again,” Manu told me. “I let them know it might be difficult to reunite them at this time, but we would be open to attempting to return them home when we decide it is worth venturing further out.”

Tok added, “And Sebastian is not really capable of making such decisions. Literally, Kal, he is only able to take direction, not suggest it. I feel for the young man. He has been beaten into submission and it will take a lot of help for him to understand what it means to be free. For now, he will remain with us and I doubt he will suggest anything else for some time.”

“And Felicity?” I asked Kate.

Kate tilted her head. “Uncertain right now. She seems content, if that is the right word, to remain on Phoenix for now. It's clear she would like to see her parents again, but what is not clear is if she wants to actually move back to where they are. She's a different woman now, she thinks, after what she's been through. I think the idea of seeing them... of explaining things... that's too big a hill to climb. For now, she's going to stay here.”

“So what do we do with them? Put them into the immigration process?” I inquired.

Manu replied, “Yes, though... since none of them came here willingly, it is hard to see how we might consider their long-term stay in the same way. We must hold them to our laws, of course, but what if one or more of them is not... a desirable new member of the island? Even for those who came willingly... it would be hard right now to send them away given our concerns over the War.”

I nodded, considering Manu's words. “We do what we can. If someone is unable or unwilling to integrate... Let's deal with that when that happens. Our options are limited and not without serious risks. Hopefully, we don't need to consider further.”

“Hopefully is a poor way to govern, Kal,” Manu told me.

“Agreed. I just don't know what else to suggest at this time...”

“Understood. I'll take Amy with me tomorrow morning to discuss with each of them our laws and expectations. Whether they wish to stay long term, they still must meet those minimum requirements during their time here.”

I nodded but didn't reply.

As the four of us started to rise from around the fire pit, Felicity came over from the bath house. Like the others who had been freed from the Humble Beginnings, she still wore her clothes, and I didn't expect that to change easily, if at all. The full-length dress she wore was beautiful, rich-purple and almost silky, something worthy of an elegant ballroom, perhaps, but decidedly out of place on Phoenix. Still, she wore it like a second skin. “Don't mind me,” she told us, settling into a chair next to Kate.

I nodded her way, trying my best not to discomfort her after our difficult words two nights before. Kate sat back down and smiled at her while Tok and Manu excused themselves.

As I started to step away myself, Felicity stopped me. “Stay and talk with me,” she said as if it was a given that I would do so. I nodded again and sat back down.

Kate and I locked eyes, saying nothing while Felicity stared at the fire.

“I want to apologize,” the woman said, “for how I've acted towards you, Kal.”

“Please,” I replied, “you have nothing to apologize for...”

“I do,” Felicity insisted. “I've been rude. Cold. Not myself.”

“I think that's understandable,” Kate offered gently.

“Is it?” Felicity replied. “Before I was taken... This is not me... I don't want this to be me...”

I didn't know what to say.

Kate spoke up, “Tell us about you... before...”

Felicity shrugged. “You know a lot of it. Schoolteacher. I loved music and dancing and trying to help everyone all the time. The students were my sculptures, I suppose. I was molding them, carving them up into something more beautiful. More thoughtful. I lived for it. Now... I'm lost... After... after... I don't know how to find that joy any more.”

“I wish there was something we could do,” Kate said. “We're here for you...”

“I hate needing help. I hate it,” Felicity said quietly. “I don't like relying on anyone. Ever. I've never needed someone else to get me through the day. Never. I've always made my own rules, my own decisions... And then, for two months, that was taken from me... I don't know how I can ever go back...”

Kate carefully took Felicity's hand. I expected the brunette to flinch, or to at least react to the touch. But she showed no reaction, and Kate gently ran her fingers along the woman's flesh.

Felicity said, “Could really go for a drink right now...”

“I'll be glad to fetch anything you'd like...”

“Wine,” she replied. “White. I know that bastard had a shit load of it.”

I nodded, “I'll be right back.”

Quickly, I fetched a bottle of wine, an opener, and three glasses, along with a couple of joints and a lighter.

Returning, I popped the cork and poured two glasses, handing one to Felicity and said, “Kate?”

She declined, as I knew she would, “Not while I'm still nursing little ones.”

“Something else, then?”

Again, Kate declined.

Felicity sipped her wine as I sat and did the same. Then she said, “How does that all work, anyway? None of the children are yours...”

“No,” Kate said evenly, “not from my body, at least. But... somehow I am able to nurse,” she continued, cupping one of her breasts. “Gives the mothers a break, and... I love it... I love being able to do that for the babies.”

“Did you lose your kids in the fighting?” Felicity asked.

“I never had any,” Kate said with more resolve than usual when this subject was discussed. “Couldn't. Kal and I... we knew a long time ago that I couldn't bear a child. It hurt for a long time. Still does, some days, but... being able to nurse Katie, and then Azure, and Harry and Hermione... It's been a real blessing to share those moments.”

Felicity offered a small smile, “That's very nice.”

“I think so. I get to bond with them in a way that's quite unique. Special. It's helped me more than I can express.”

“I never wanted children,” Felicity stated. “Just never had the urge. I'd had lovers who did, almost got married to one of them, but kids were never something I wanted. I love teaching them, but having my own? I couldn't even imagine desiring that. Now... even if I did, it's too late...”

I continued to sip my wine silently, letting the two women talk through difficult subjects.

Kate asked, “Too late?”

“Haven't had my period in over two years... It just stopped... Likely an early menopause...”

“Ah... I'm sorry.”

“Don't be,” Felicity said, her hand suddenly turning upward to lock fingers with Kate's. “It was one less thing to deal with over the last couple of months. Honestly rather hope it's gone for good. They usually came fast and hard. Ruined more than a few nice slacks that way...”

Kate glanced at me quickly, then said, “Not too much worry about that here for those of us who have 'gone native,' so to speak. We do have some tampons and wadding which works well, if you ever need it.”

Felicity shook her head. “It is very strange to see so many people naked here. I can't even begin to understand what that must be like. To be exposed like that all the time... I mean,” Felicity laughed, though not in that dark, troubling way she'd laughed during our overnight conversation, “I'm not prude, but I cannot see myself going around like that. It would be... very uncomfortable...”

“You are free to not do so, of course,” Kate assured her. “No one will think less of you. Just be comfortable. We've come to enjoy this as part of our daily lives. It makes a lot of things easier.”

“Perhaps,” Felicity replied, “but... being exposed like that... I mean... There are children here! And relatives! And to invite that sort of... intimate observation... They are called privates for a reason...”

Kate shrugged, looking at me as if she wasn't sure what else to say.

I spoke for the first time in a while. “It is different, for sure... We've been very fortunate that our ways have been accepted and enjoyed by those here. The folks who came in before you... they are still adjusting. You'll meet the others soon, most of them are still North, and none of them have decided to forgo clothing. They may never do so. But... I can't deny that there is a voyeuristic pleasure in it, Felicity. I think I speak for all of us in feeling that way, but that's not the point. That's not the focus, and believe it or not, you... you get used to it. It's normal, eventually.”

“'Normal,'” Felicity responded. “I'm not sure I know what that word means any more.”

“You will,” Kate said, “with time. I promise... It won't change the past, but... one day things will begin to get better. You don't have to shed your clothes. You don't have to open up yourself that way. We understand.”

“No one understands that the way I do,” Felicity said in a small voice.

I almost broke my promise to Kinnon and suggested someone else on Phoenix might share her view. Instead, I said, “No, you're right. And we may never fully understand... But, if anything good could be said... You're now in a place where you can heal. Where... where no one will do that to you again.”

“You don't know that, Kal,” Felicity spat, suddenly visibly upset. “You don't know what someone might do to me...”

I grew silent and couldn't respond.

“No,” Kate replied gently, “we don't know that. You're right.”

“I can't get that out of my mind,” Felicity continued, dropping Kate's hand, finishing her wine, and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I know that asshole is dead, but the fear... the fear he made me know so intimately is not dead. It festers. I can't stop thinking about what horrible thing comes next...”

I poured Felicity another glass of wine and then lit a joint, offering it to her. She eyed me a moment, not really seeing the joint, then took it and inhaled the rich smoke several times. “I don't know you,” she said, clearly talking about me. “I don't know any of you. I don't trust you and I don't really want to. I just want to be left alone...”

“We can go, if you wish,” said Kate, looking concerned.

Felicity didn't respond, continuing to puff on the joint. “No... no, don't. Please.”

“Okay...”

“I never used to fear,” the woman continued, “never thought about what might happen, not really. Sure, like every woman, I knew things can go bad. I knew it could be me, but until it did... I hate being afraid...”

“Would it help,” Kate replied softly, “if someone stayed at your side all the time?”

“What, like a bodyguard?”

“I suppose, yeah. Someone you can trust... as much as you can trust anyone...”

Felicity shrugged, “I dunno. That might help... for now.”

“I'm willing,” Kate told her, offering her a hand.

Felicity stared at Kate's fingers a long moment before she slowly unwrapped her arms and placed her hand in Kate's. “Thank you... So... what, you follow me everywhere? Like when I'm taking a shit and all?”

Kate didn't laugh though I saw in her eyes she somewhat wanted to do so. “I suppose. I don't have to be that close to keep an eye on you. But... something like that.”

“And you'll sleep in with me? How's that gonna work?”

“Well,” Kate replied, “I can do that, sure. Listen, Felicity... I want to help. If you think this might help, then I'll do it. We'll work and eat together. We'll go pee together. Whatever you need.”

Felicity crushed the spent joint into the sand never having passed it back. “Alright... Thanks...”

“Can you give me a few minutes first?” Kate asked, “I'd like to speak to Kal a bit.”

“Of course.”

Kate squeezed Felicity's hand and then nodded in my direction. I stood and followed the redhead into the common room. It was empty of the others, no one still stirring around the camp except the three of us still up.

“Thanks, Kate,” I told her. “I'm at a complete loss as to how to help.”

“Just support me and everyone in this thing we do. I'm making it up as I go, you know. I don't know what to do either.”

“Well,” I replied, “you're doing a great job, regardless. She seems to be willing to accept some help. That's a big step.”

“Yes. Listen,” she said, stepping forward and embracing me, “it might be more difficult for the two of us to spend some... intimate time together for a while. I'd sure like to feel you inside me right now...”

I smiled and kissed her. “I love you Kate.”

“So fuck me then,” she said, grinning and then turning around, bending over and placing her hands on the floor, spreading her legs, her round, wonderful ass up in the air.

I slid two fingers through her slit, finding it wet and slippery. The scent from Kate's pussy was heady and arousing. She was wet inside when I slid my fingers past her labia and into her hot vagina. Kate moaned as I swiped around her clit, then used the wetness on my fingers to coat my rising cock.

Placing the head against her opening, I took Kate's hips in my hands. Her reddish pubes scratched my flesh as I slid inside. “Oh, Kal... Yes...”

Deep in my wife, I held still just a moment, enjoying the heat of her body, the delicious warmth of her flesh against mine. I felt Kate's vagina twitching and I surged, spurting pre-cum into her snatch. I started to thrust in and out of her, and Kate's moans became more urgent. Bracing herself with one hand, she brought the other up to her clit and stroked it as we rutted.

I'd fucked Kate countless times in our lives, but it never became old. Normal. Each time felt like a delicious new experience. No matter how many times I'd been inside her, each moment connected to Kate was exquisite and arousing. She came easily and kept playing with herself, and I began to swell in her cunt.

“Oh, Kal... fuck me... fuck me...”

I started to move faster, slickness coating my length. I could feel it slowly sliding over my balls as they slapped against Kate's fingers twirling quickly over her clitoris.

“God, yes,” I moaned. “Fuck, Kate... Uhnn...”

“Cum in me... cum in me... I'm cumming...”

Her pussy clenched and her body strained as she orgasmed again, and my cock burned so wonderfully as I began to spurt into Kate's vagina. Semen rushed out, filling her, splashing inside her body. I let go several days of cum, a thick, sticky load soon leaking out around where we were connected intimately. I held tightly against her ass, letting Kate's amazing vagina milk every drop from me, randomly twitching and clenching, full of my sperm.

Kate pulled forward and I slipped from her body, thick globs of cum splattering on the floor between her legs. She turned and we kissed long and passionately. “I love you, Kal.”

“Love you, too.”

Kate let out a long sigh, looking down at the floor.

“I'll take care of that. Good luck with Felicity.”

“Thanks. I'll do the best I can to help her.”

“I have no doubt.”

Kate left the common room to find Felicity, and I used a cleaning rag to wipe up the sticky drops of my semen. I had no idea whether things would ever get better for Felicity. I certainly hoped they would, that, with time, she could find a normal worth living again. What I was certain of, though, was that, if anyone could help her in that moment, it was Kate. Whatever happened next, Felicity couldn't have a better friend at her side. I hoped she would come to recognize that in time.